After a few weeks I finally got it installed, but it happened so easily after hundreds of attempts I really have no idea what the actual problem was.
Made a USB from an iMac for unibeast and yosemite. That installed on a 1TB drive without issue. I finally was able to make an El Capitan usb from that and after more attempts than I want to recall, I installed that on an SSD.
Literally no boot flags. I don't get it. It installed, and even ethernet worked right off the bat, because I had the yosemite multibeast on the usb. So I just downloaded the el capitan multibeast, checked off the DSDT Free, audio, and I think that's it. Rebooted and lost ethernet, so I just ran multibeast again only checking off the ethernet driver. Rebooted.
There weren't any trim options in multibeast, so I just downloaded a freeware trim enabler, ran that, rebooted, and it seems like everything is up and running.
And the H100i fans don't surge every couple minutes like the 1TB Yosemite install did.
Straight up voodoo, and now I have my experience (1 in 100 or so) of it "just working".
I'm going to wipe the 1TB and use it for storage.
Thanks for answering my questions though. There were a few of you that trudged through problems with me, and I just wanted to say thanks for your suggestions.
I'll answer any questions, but honestly, I probably have no idea.
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